It Is Better To Have Loved and Lost
by purplehairedwonder
Summary: The night before the Dark Tournament Finals, a lonely Botan goes in search of company and has a candid conversation with a certain fox. KB


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho. It wouldn't be _fan_ fiction if I did.

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It Is Better To Have Loved and Lost…

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She didn't know what possessed her to do it, only that she was feeling sad and vulnerable and needed company. She didn't know why he was the first one she thought to seek out either. But as she made her way across the stony outcrop that overlooked the endless sea that surrounded the damned island toward that solitary figure, she felt it had been the right decision. She had been looking out the window of the hotel room when she had seen him leave the hotel and head for the solitude that the bluffs presented. Forgetting her own pain for a moment, she wondered what had caused him to leave the hotel that night. She had no idea where his teammates were, but at the moment, it didn't seem to matter. Later, when the feelings of emptiness had become too much to bear alone, she had left the hotel to seek company. And before she realized it, her feet had taken her towards him.

As she approached, she could see his red hair seemingly illuminated in the moonlight. He sat on a ledge, his legs hanging over the steep side as he looked silently out over the sea that trapped them here. He did not make any indication that he had noticed her arrival, but she had a feeling he knew she was standing a few feet behind him. She stood looking at his back for a few moments wondering what she should say to him.

"Botan?" he said softly after a moment and she started. It seemed he _had_ noticed her arrival.

"Do you mind if I join you?" she asked quickly and was suddenly sure that if she could have seen his face he would have been smiling.

"Of course not," he replied.

The ferry girl slowly made her way to the fox's side and sat down, letting her legs drop over the side of the ledge like Kurama. She looked out over the water and her breath caught in her throat at the dazzling sight. The light from the full moon reflected off the water. The waves lapped quietly against the beach. The stars overhead seemed brighter out here.

"It's a beautiful sight, isn't it?" Kurama said softly, following her gaze.

Botan nodded. "Gorgeous."

The two sat in silence for a few minutes while Botan tried to pluck up the courage to speak to the red-head. She wasn't sure why she was finding it so hard to say something to him, as that was rarely a problem for her, but since the Tournament had started, she had noticed subtle changes in her feelings toward the fox, though she wasn't sure what they meant.

"Are you alright, Botan?" Kurama asked finally.

Botan blinked. She looked over to see those gorgeous emerald eyes studying her face concernedly. She was taken aback by the sudden question. "Me? Oh, I'm fine," she replied quickly, slightly flustered.

Kurama frowned. Somehow he managed to make a frown look elegant, Botan noticed with a slight blush.

"Is that so?" he asked gently, obviously not buying her hasty response.

The ferry girl flushed. "I was just feeling alone," she said after a moment, looking back out over the sparkling water. "And sad." Genkai's death had really hurt her and the fact that she had been the one to take her to Spirit World had been difficult. She snuck a glance at the red-head, who had bowed his head.

"I understand," he replied.

Looking at him, Botan suddenly realized that he _did_ understand. He knew Genkai was gone and it saddened him as well. The psychic had impacted all of their lives, in a different way for each. She vaguely wondered what she had meant to Kurama but found herself unable to voice the question. It seemed too personal to ask, especially right now.

"What about you?" Botan asked finally. She saw him turn towards her out of the corner of her eye. "Why were you out here all alone?" A guarded look passed over his face and Botan suddenly realized that was also a very personal question to ask. She turned back to him quickly. "Sorry. I shouldn't have asked."

He shook his head. "No, it's alright." He looked back out over the water. "I was thinking."

"About tomorrow?" she asked. The finals were tomorrow, after all. Tomorrow was the day they had all been waiting for since Toguro had returned with his 'invitation.'

The fox nodded. "Yes."

"Are you afraid?" she asked. She wasn't sure what made her ask it, but it was too late to take it back. It seemed a rude question to ask and she was about to apologize again for prying but he cut her off.

"Yes," he replied, which caught Botan off-guard. She had never heard the fox admit to fear. She had seen worry and anger and a host of other emotions on him throughout the course of the week, but never fear. Kurama was the ever-calm backbone of the Urameshi Team that somehow always managed to remain composed. Hearing him admit this made her feel honored that he would trust her with such a secret.

"Really?" she asked in spite of herself.

He smiled sadly as he continued to look out. "Does that surprise you?" he asked in return and Botan balked for a moment.

"Maybe a little," she replied finally.

His lip twitched slightly. "I see."

Botan had no idea what to say to that so turned back to looking at the waves. Silence reigned for several minutes before either of them spoke.

"What could scare you?" Botan asked without really even thinking about it. She had no idea what scared the fox as she had never seen him afraid. Kurama remained silent. "You don't have to answer," she said, "if it is too personal." She could have sworn he was smiling again.

"It's alright." He paused thoughtfully. "What I fear is a fate worse than death."

"What do you mean?" the ferry girl asked curiously. The fox was being especially candid tonight, and though she wondered why, she felt privileged that she was the one to hear it.

"A cage," he replied after a moment. "To be kept from my freedom."

Botan studied the red-head's elegant face and saw the sincerity in his features. "Spoken like a true marauder," the ferry girl said and Kurama laughed.

"It's just who I am."

Botan looked at the red-head curiously. "Do you consider being a human restraining?"

He blinked and looked back at her. "What?" he asked, genuinely startled by the question.

Mentally Botan wished Yusuke could be there to see that she had baffled the red-head; a feat that the Spirit Detective had been trying to achieve for ages.

"You were once a legend among demons," Botan replied. "You were free to roam over an entire world doing as you pleased. As much as you were hunted, you were never caught."

"Until-" Kurama began but Botan cut him off.

"Until that day sixteen years ago. Now you are stuck as a human. Do you regret it? Living like this?"

Kurama frowned thoughtfully. "I did at first," he replied finally. "It was too much like the cage I had feared all my life."

"But?"

"But then I grew close to my mother. I had originally planned to leave the Human World after ten years, when my powers would have returned sufficiently to escape back to Demon World."

"But you didn't."

Kurama shook his head. "No. I cared for my mother too much." He looked over at Botan. "I suppose it sounds a bit silly, but finding love made me feel freer than I had in a long time."

Botan shook her head. "It doesn't sound silly at all. Love has the power to set your heart free."

The fox nodded. "I had not experienced much love before my stay in Human World. I had a few partners who I was close with, but nothing more than that. I was always above any sort of true relationship." He frowned again. "Looking back, now that seems more restraining than what I have now." He put his arms back behind him and leaned back slightly.

"What about you?" he asked and Botan blinked. "What do you fear?"

She frowned.

"Loss," the ferry girl replied finally. "Losing those I care for and living without them." Kurama nodded his understanding. Loss had been what had brought her outside and in his company in the first place. She sighed, propping her elbows on her legs and resting her chin in her hands. "I also fear-" but she trailed off before she could finish. Kurama pushed himself back into a sitting position to look at her.

"What?" he asked gently.

"Never finding love," she replied quietly. The fox nodded.

"'It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,'" he recited and she nodded. "I agree." He looked out at the night thoughtfully. "Never finding love would be a tragedy."

"Yusuke is lucky to have Keiko," Botan murmured.

"And Kuwabara to have Yukina," Kurama added.

_And Genkai to once have had Toguro,_ Botan thought sadly to herself. _She definitely loved and lost. But she lived too._

The two lapsed back into silence for awhile, neither sure of what to say from there. The two had never spoken so candidly with one another, yet, while it seemed a bit weird, it felt right at the same time. Botan knew she could trust Kurama to be kind and understanding and to keep her secrets. His presence really was comforting.

"What do you think will happen tomorrow?" the ferry girl asked finally. Kurama shrugged.

"Whatever needs to," he replied. She could see something underneath the surface in the fox that was bothering him, and, she was pretty sure, that was why he had come seeking solitude. She nodded absently.

"I don't think there is a cage that could hold you," Botan said after a few moments.

He blinked and looked over at her.

She smiled. "Even if someone tried to, I don't think they could cage someone like you. You're too strong for something like that; too spirited and too free."

Kurama smiled one of those knee-buckling smiles of his.

"Thank you."

A moment passed where the two looked at each other, neither really sure of what to do or think. Finally, Kurama leaned in and pecked her on the cheek. "Really, thank you, Botan." He rose gracefully. "I'll see you tomorrow."

She nodded absently, her hand going to the place where his lips had pressed only moments earlier. Her stomach fluttered as she watched the red-head walk back toward the hotel.

It seemed she had made the right choice coming to see him tonight after all.

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**Author's Note:** Just a little fluffy fun. Leave me a review and let me know what you thought!

_Revised as of 7/26/06_


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